How Gay Marriage Got Me to the Altar

My dad and I had dinner a few weeks before my wedding, and talk turned rather naturally to marriage.

My father is gay, and he and his partner have been together for a number of years. They would like to be married - gold bands, legal obligations, the whole shebang. I asked him if it bothered him that I am getting married while he is still denied the opportunity. He thought it was an absurd question.

He said, "I don't want to rain on anyone else's party. I just want the chance to throw my own." I pointed out that my work as an activist and supporter of gay marriage is what made me think marriage was something worth considering. Dad laughed and told me that I should write a blog entry about THAT. So I am. :)

Up until a couple of years ago my views on marriage were cynical - and that's the kindest thing I can say about them.

I saw a lot of people move from dating to marriage not because they made the decision to get married, but because that was the next step to a relationship. First you date, and then you get married. I saw a lot of people get married out of obligation, because of pressure, out of guilt, or just because it was time to get married based on some life goal timeline in their mind. I saw lots of people get married for lots of bad reasons. And I saw lots of people get divorced.

I even served as a bridesmaid at a wedding where the wedding party (sans bride and groom) had a betting pool as to how quickly the couple would divorce. The most optimistic was 2 years. The couple separated after less than year.Worse, I saw many miserable people staying together because they were married. If they'd been dating both parties would have left - and been better off for it.

My friend Thomas pithily put it best, "I've seen couples get married for the wrong reasons, but I've never known anyone who got divorced for the wrong reasons."

My views on marriage were shaped by watching marriages fall apart: my parents', my friends', other relatives'. I'd seen some people in happy marriages, but they were the exception.

Around five years I started working for marriage rights for gay and lesbians. In retrospect, it was pretty hypocritical of me. I didn't really believe in marriage at all. I did believe in rights for everyone though, and marriage in our society comes with rights. It comes with significant tax breaks, legal protections, and it makes a whole host of things like inheritance, adoption, and travel easier. It provides the vehicle for making "next of kin" decisions in hospitals.

Then, three years ago, I spent a week in Washington, DC training to become a grassroots organizer for marriage rights. That week totally changed my outlook on marriage. I watched couples who had invested themselves totally in each other, despite the pressure from society to conform to the hetero-norm. I was surrounded by people who had fought so hard to be in legitimate relationships that they had given an incredible amount of thought about what marriage meant for society as a whole and what it meant to them, personally.

To these people marriage meant:
-An outward sign of an inner commitment- The ability to create a family (even if it was only a family of two)
- The ability to welcome the person he/she loved into THEIR family- A way to tell their SO that they were committed to the relationship
- A way to tell the world unequivocally that they were committed to each other

One story broke my heart. A young man lost his partner of many years six months before the DC conference. His partner’s family never accepted their relationship and completely shut him out of the funeral process. Not only could he not give a eulogy, he wasn’t even welcome at the service. He doesn’t know where his SO is buried. Because he couldn’t marry his SO; he was denied the bonds of family that marriage can provide. He was denied closure and even the right to mourn that we take for granted.

Even if his partner’s family had accepted him as family, many employers would not have given him funeral leave, nor the time needed to settle his SO’s affairs.I also saw for the first time the role that community plays in a relationship. Married couples are given a level of support and acceptance in the community that is absent for couples who are “just dating” regardless of level of commitment or length of time a couple has been together. This is true with straight couples who choose not to marry, as well, as same sex couples.

I see it in my own short time married. People treat me differently, and they respect my relationship with my husband in ways I couldn’t even imagine before our ceremony. They assume that he will be included in decisions – and that I will be included in his. They assume that we are a priority in each others’ lives and take that into account when they ask us to do additional work or to alter our plans. Our marriage license is a notice to the community that our relationship matters to us. Same-sex couples simply don’t get that level of community support.

That week in DC was the first time that I looked at marriage without the lens of legal obligations and without the bitterness born of watching marriages fall apart. I came home more thoughtful about the institution of marriage. I began looking for married couples who might share the spirit of the group in DC. And, to my surprise, I found them.

The healthy, positive, thoughtful approach to marriage isn’t just a result of romantic notions of a group to whom the privilege has been denied. There are many couples who make the decision to get married for good reasons. Legal reasons? Yes. Romantic notions? I hope so. But more than that, the institute of marriage brings something meaningful to their relationship.

It’s ironic that I discovered the joy and the sanctity of marriage by working for a cause many Americans fear will destroy the institution. It’s sad that so many people marry for the wrong reasons. Six weeks ago, I married the love of my life. I am beholden to the gay community for giving me the insight into marriage that made this possible. Without my experiences in DC, I never would have been open to the way marriage could enhance my already committed relationship.

I hope that my own marriage provide a platform to fight for the same privilege to those who gave me this gift.